Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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