well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
