i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
