If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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