I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
