there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
