not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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