Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
