I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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