I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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