so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
