Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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