so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
