I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
