just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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