I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
