I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
