i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
