I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
