i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
