The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
