I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
