I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
