fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
