Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
