Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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