Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
