Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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