I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
