Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
