FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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