It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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