im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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