My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize