Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
