i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
