I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
