if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
