I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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