The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
