I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
