evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
