her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
