You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
