i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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