I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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