I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
