Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
