why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
And then he peed in my hair
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