maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
