don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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