my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
