you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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