Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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