I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
