I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
