i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize