According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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