When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
