zippers are such a cool invention
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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