What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
