just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
