For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
