even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
