Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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