Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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