Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
