This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
