How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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