So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
