Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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