I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
