i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
