if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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