I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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