3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize